A Blade And A Smile
by HiccupTheUseless1234
Summary: Hiccup. The most useless name any Viking could think of. Hiccup. The most hated runt through the village of Berk. Hiccup. The Useless. Hiccups life has always been a real hell. He was the runt, the weak one, the one no one liked, but the thing is that no one ever took the time to realize that inside that 14 year old boy there's a depressed, sad and suicidal soul in him.
1. His decision

Hiccup The Useless

Hiccup. The most useless name any Viking could think of. Hiccup. The most hated runt through the village of Berk. Hiccup. Hiccup. Hiccup. The one the only The Useless. Hiccups life has always been a real hell. He was the runt, the weak one, the one no one liked, but the thing is that no one ever took the time to realize that inside that soon to be 15 year old boy there's a depressed, sad and suicidal soul in him.

He thought no one loved him, he hated himself. All he received was neglect, physical and emotional abuse. Everything started when he was just 3 months of age, the day Valka Died, his mom, then moved on to neglect that started when he was 4, always getting the disappointment look from his father, Stoick The Vast, respected chief of the tribe. Then the emotional and physical abuse started when he was 7 by the twins Ruffnut and Tuffnut and of course his, not that smart cousin, Snotloud

By the time he was 9 he started doing self harm, in other words, he started cutting. Then when he was 11 he started getting addicted to the cutting. When he was 13 he started developing his first suicidal thoughts.

Now he is 14, his 15th birthday is just one month away. But he wasn't looking forward to it.

Instead he just decided that he didn't care about his age or about himself for that matter.

He as always had a little crush on Astrid Hofferson. But sadly she felt like the exact opposite. She never cared about hiccup, she always disposed the weak boy.

Even thought he was a runt. He never gave up on trying to impress the village mostly his father.

-Hiccup-

Hiccup woke up. He opened his eyes slightly only to find his favorite cutting dagger on his desk, he forgot it there from the cutting he was doing late at night the night before. He sighed sadly and put it away. By the time was ready to start the day he walk down the stairs and saw his father on one side of the table.

"Good morning" he said to his father. He received no awnser back. He sighed sadly once again and told his father he was going to the forge, where apparently he had a job with his mentor Gobber.

His father just simply nodded as the boy walked through the the door.

Disappointment look in his eyes.

As he walked throughout the village he noticed some Viking pointing at him whispering and then some laughing and others looking at him with disgrace and the "I wish you were dead and in hell" face coming from Snotloud, the twins and Astrid, while Fishlegs just stood there awkwardly. He was used to thins so he continued running toward the forge, but before he could reach it he was pushed to a mud puddle. And realized that it was his cousin Snotloud.

He sadly sight and tried to stand up, but before he could Tuffnut pushed him back to the ground and said "Where do you think your going buddy" he said

" To my job."he responded

"Well yeah I know that but you forgot that we still have to give you your morning beating" Hiccups eyes widen as he said "Just let me go" not raising his voice. As he tried to get back up Tuffnut said "Shut up useless and hold still" But before he could respond Tuffnut pushed hiccup to the ground and started kicking him in his side, hardly, Ruffnut and Snotloud joined in the beating after about 3 kicks. About 10 minutes passed filled with kickin and punching, after that hiccup had a minor wound in his side and a bloody nose. They laughed and walked away admiring what they just did.

They left him there in a pool of his own blood and barely strong enough to to get up

.But hiccup sadly didn't even care about the abuse because he believes he deserves that kind of punishment for being weak. He sighed and said still hurt " Yep just another normal day in berk"

Hiccup ran late because or the beating, he knew his mentor, Gobber, didn't like that. Gobber has been the only real father figure to the lad ever since he realized he was an outcast.

Hiccup walked in with a sour face, puts on the apron, and heads to work. Gobber didn't say anything about him being late. He just stared at the young boys injury from the beating.

-Hours later-

It was getting dark, he about to go home, planing on his next cut.

He sigh sadly, His cuts, he had them all over his body his legs, wrist, stomach, back shoulders and arms. He never rolled his sleeves up and he never took his shirt off not even at the forge considering the fact that is extremely hot in there during the day.

He slowly began to love the scars over time and admiring them, it's how he keeps control of the pain he feels inside, for each one there is a different story, a different meaning.

He was about to go home when he heard screaming and war cries from different people and that can only mean one thing. Dragon Raid.

He went out side but all he heard toward him were

"Get back inside"

"what are you doing out again useless"

"Get inside hiccup"

Just the little comments he recived from his people.

He was use to the hurtful comments. He never had much of a reaction.

He headed to the forge.

"Nice of you to join the party, I thought you would've been carried of"

"Who me? No I'm way to muscular for there sake" He said struggling to lift a hammer

"They wouldn't know what to do with all this" he said showing off his totally unimpressive noodle arms in a flexing pose.

"Well they need toothpicks don't they" his mentor said sarcastically

 _"And there it is"_ He thought to himself _"Something is telling me that this world is not my place"_ That's when it happened, the idea of him doing it **"SUICIDE"** He thought to himself.

 _"Nobody will miss me I am the runt of this village and an embarrassment to the tribe, they would throw the biggest celebration of the year, I will not be missed"_

 _"I want to die" he keep repeating in his head "I want to die, I want to die, I want to die,_

 _"I need to die, I need to die, I NEED TO DIE"_

"I will die" he said under his breath so no one can hear him.

After the idea popped in to his head he heard the familiar signature cry of the most powerful and lethal dragon in the known Viking world.

 **"Night fury"** The unholy offspring of lightning and death itself

He heard someone outside scream it's name as it shot down the remaining look out tower.

Gobber told Hiccup to stay inside the forge.

But as always he ignored his mentors order and went after the night fury with his bola launcher he invented

He went to the back of the village and heard the deadly dragons signature cry.

He shot the bola cannon and the Nigh fury went down as it screamed.

Hiccup then forgot his depression and was happy for that one moment, He is not use to feeling extreme joy like this, until behind his appeared the Monstrous Nightmare. He maid a sarcastic remark. _As always._

And started running for his life

His father who was nearby, taking down some Nadders, herd the screams of the young boy.

He sigh in annoyance and told his men to take care of it.

Hiccup was hiding behind a pole and just when the nightmare was about to finish him.

His father punched it and keep doing it until it flight away.

-Hiccups POV-

The pole fell down and there I was staring at my father and realizing all the damage done to the village.

"Sorry Dad" was all I could say to him, I decided not to tell him anything else so he could calm down.

My dad dragged me from the collar to our house.

On the way I heard the five nightmares saying stuff about me (The 5 nightmares are Snotlout, Ruff, Tuff, Astrid and Fishlegs.)

"That's was quite the performance" said Tuff

"Yeah I've never seen anybody mess up that bad, That's helped" said Snotlout

"Thank you, Thank you, I was trying so..." I said sarcastically and embarrassed

As me and Gobber were walking to my house I try to tell him that I hit the night fury.

But all he said was "sure Hiccup"

"He never listens to me"

"Runs in the family"

"And when he does listen it's like with this disappointed scowl like someone just trimmed the meat in his sand which"

I stopped in the front of my house and try's to Imamate the voice of my father.

"Excuse me barmaid, I believe you have brought me the wrong offspring, I ordered and extra large boy with beefy arms, extra guts and glory on the side, this here, This is a talking Fishbone" I said sadly

"No, no your getting it all wrong, it's not what on the outside that matters, it's what's on the inside he cants stand" He said trying to make me feel better.

 _"Yep suicide is the best option, I'd I were dead my father would have nothing to clean up and Gobber would be free of me, it is decided by sundown today my dead body will be In a boat on fire, and no one will miss me"_

"Thank you for summing that up" I said sarcastically

I looked at Gobber with sad eyes and said " Thank you Gobber for being like a father to me, my dad basically gave me to you, you won't have to worry about me anymore"

Gobber looked at me with a puzzled look, but before he could awnser I closed the door behind him.

I ran upstairs to my room and locked the door. I ripped a page of my journal, planted it in my desk and reach for the charcoal pencil I had in between my tunic and my vest.

I began to write, everything I felt, everything that happened to me, just so my father could know what was inside his son.

 _"Dear Dad_

 _I know you think I'm a pathetic runt and an embarrassment as a son, but do not worry, you will not need to deal with me anymore._

 _I have decided to take my own life for the sake of the village. I am a horrible pathetic and weak excuse for a son, I have no friends, I am universally despised by everyone._

 _Im tired of the beatings, the disappointments, and the constant humiliations._

 _And I just know that the village will not miss me. I will be hanging my self in the forest just by Raven point, there you will see my lifeless body hanging from a tree._

 _I love you dad, I will alway love you. I love every single person in the village._

 _Tell Gobber that he was the only person who ever cared for me and tell him that I will dearly miss him._

 _I will be looking down from the depths of Valhalla. I will like you to read this poem I wrote 2 years ago,that was when I tried to commit suicide for the first time. But didn't have the guts to do it._

 _Well now I will do it I will finally be free, no more pain, no more misery and no more depression._

Just an average boy

He always wore a smile

He was cheerful and happy for a short while

Now he's older, things are getting colder

Life's not what he thought, he wished someone had told him

He told you he was down, you let it slip by

So from then on he kept it on the inside

he told himself she was alright

But he was telling white lies

Can't you tell? Look at his dull eyes

Tried to stop himself from crying almost every night

But he knew there was no chance of feeling alright

Summer came by, all he wore was long sleeves

'Cause those cuts on his wrists were bleeding through you see

he knew he was depressed, didn't want to admit it

Didn't think he fit it, everyone seemed to miss it

he carried on like a soldier with a battle wound

Bleeding out from every cut his body consumed

he had no friends outside, all alone he sat

And if someone were to notice he would blame the cat

But those cuts on his wrist, they were no mistake

But no one cared enough to save him from this self hate

Things were going down, never really up

And here he is now stuck in this stupid rut

he knew exactly what he had to do next

Just stand on that chair and tie the rope around his neck

he wrote a letter with his hand shaking wild

"Look at me now, are you proud of your precious child?"

But he knew that his parents weren't the ones to blame

It was the world that should bow down its head in shame

he stood up on the chair and looked out at the moon

Just don't think, it'll all be over soon

The chair fell down as he took his final breath

It's all over, all gone, now he's greeting death

His Dad walks in, he falls down to the floor

And now nothing can take back what he just saw

The little boy that he raised is just hanging there

His body's pale and his face is violently bare

he sees the note and unfolds it with care

All he does is stare, "How can this be fair?"

he starts reading as the tears roll down his face

"I'm sorry Dad but this world is just not my place

I've tried for so long to fix this and fit in

I've come to realize this world's full of sin

There's nothing for me here, I'm just a waste of space

I've got no reason to stay here with this awful race

It's a disgrace, I was misplaced

Born in the wrong time, and in the wrong place

It's OK though, 'cause you'll see me soon

You'll know when your time has come, just look at the moon

As it shines bright, throughout the night

And remember everyone's facing their own fight

But I can't deal with the pain, I'm not a fighter

You'll make it through the night, just hug your pillow tighter

So let the world know, that I died in vain

Because the world around me, is the one to blame

And I know in a year, you'll forget I'm gone

'Cause I'm not really something to be dwelled on

That's what they used to tell me, all those kids outside

I was never worth one single fight

My presence on this earth is not needed any longer

And if anything, I hope this makes you stronger

You're the best friend, that I ever had

Such a shame I had to make you so very sad

But just remember that you meant everything to me

And to my heart, you're the only one that held the key

Now it's time to go, I'm running out of space to write

And yes I lost my fight, but please just hold on tight

I'm watching over you, from the clouds above

And sending down the purest and whitest dove

To watch over you, and be my helpful eye

So this is it, world, goodbye."

 _I hope you like it, it was this that keep me in my place until now, please, let the village know that my death was there fault. And now that the road has ended for me,_

 _Take Snotlout as your heir he's much stronger than me and I know for sure that you like him much more than me._

 _But be careful he's about as smart as a box of hair. This is it world._ _ **Goodbye"**_

 _ **Hiccup"**_

I folded the note with care and began to think to myself 'It's for the best'

I'm gonna do it, goodbye world.


	2. Realizing

-Hiccups attempt-(No ones POV)

Hiccup was gonna do it. He started sobbing silently for a short while in his room, he kept thinking to himself _'it's best for everyone'._

He got himself up and wiped of the dry tears from his face. He went down the stairs to find his father revising all of the village plans and construction works.

Hiccup silently went back up the stairs and placed the note in his fathers bed, He took off his fur vest and placed it also in the bed with the note on top of it.

He walked towards his fathers bedroom door, but before he could open it he looked back at the note and vest. He thought to himself _'I'm doing the right thing'_

He stared at the note and vest for a few moments before leaving. He ran to his room and locked the door. He reached under his bed and pulled out a rope. That rope had been there for 2 years, since the first time he tried to hang himself.

He placed the rope beside his bed and went towards the small drawer next to his desk. That's where he had his favorite cutting dagger. He took it out and placed it on his desk.

He wanted his father to know what his only son had been doing since he was 11.

He took the rope.

He quietly walked to his window and escaped by jumping of. It wasn't a hard drop, about 15 feet. He got up and started running to the forest. Little did he know that the 5 nightmares saw him with the rope and started to follow him.

-Hiccups POV-

 _'Im almost there' I thought to myself._

I kept running and running not being aware of my surroundings. I tripped a few times, my feet were killing me, but I didn't want to stop. Finally I reached Raven Point. I analyzed my surroundings trying to find the perfect tree.

Finally I found the perfect tree and next to it a log I could stand on.

"Perfect" I said to myself.

I tied the rope to the tree and made sure it was stable enough to hold me.

I placed the log under the rope and clime on top of it.

I took a deep breathe and said to my self 'Goodbye'.

The log roles over, I feel my legs kicking violently.

Everything is starting to go dark **fast.**

' _A few more seconds and I'll be with mom, I'm so close I can feel it._

 _But suddenly I hear screaming voices from the out side and before I know it I'm free from the rope and I feel someone catch me._

 _Am I dead, probably'._

 _But before I can see the person or the **people** that cached me. Everything goes black and I loose consciousness._

-No ones POV-

Astrid, Snotlout, Fishlegs, Ruffnut and Tuffnut didn't know what to think in that moment.

Hiccup the Useless tried to commit suicide.

They all stared at Hiccups body lying in the grass unconscious.

"I-I...can't believe he tried to do that" said Astrid

"I don't understand why would he try to do such a horrible thing" said Snotlout

"I know why" said Fishlegs "He tried to kill himself because he believes that he doesn't have a purpose, he thinks the world around him is nothing but bad. He has been supporting all the neglect, beating and insults all his life..."

The others looked down in shame.

Snotlout was the first to cry, everyone shocked at the tears dripping from his face.

"You know..." Said Snotlout still crying "I never meant for things to go this far...He-He's family and I do love him..."Snotlout took a glimpse at his cousin.

Fishlegs put his head in Hiccups chest. He heard a _"ba-dum ba-dum ba-dum"_

"Guys he's alive, he has a heartbeat" Fishlegs shouted in happiness.

They all sigh in relief.

"He's my family, and I won't give up that easily"

Snotlout picked up the body and started walking towards the village.

The others followed him shortly.

"He will survive this" Snotlout said.

The others just stared at each other.

They all started crying and sobbing.

Thinking about the memories they had with him even thought most of them weren't good ones. They always ended with him being humiliated or beaten.

They started crying even more the moment they realized they never really had good times with Hiccup.

-Hiccups House-

Stoick had just finished his duties as chief.

He got up and walked up the stairs to his room, he assumed Hiccup had already gone to sleep.

He walked in his room and noticed Hiccups vest in his bed along with a note.

He stared at it weirdly as he picked it up.

'Whats going on' He thinks to himself

He opens it and begins to read.

As he read the words of the page, he started to feel a shortness of breath.

"Hiccup would never be capable enough to do this...would he"

When he was done reading the poem he started sobbing and crying.

He ran down the stairs and went outside and started running towards Raven Point.

-Back with the 5 nightmares-

They all kept thinking about Hiccup.

"Guys were almost there, the village is not that far away from here" Fishlegs pointed to a path that leads to the village.

"Perfect...Do you guys think he will be able to forgive us" added Fishlegs

The others didn't say a word. "I think so...the important thing is that we apologize and actually mean it" Astrid said glaring at Hiccups Body

"We have to stop everything...the beatings, the insults, the neglect...everything" Said Snotlout

"Imagine if we weren't there, imagine if we would have never followed him...Imagine if he would have actually done it?!" Tuff said barely above a whisper.

But still loud enough so everyone heard.

The others froze and tears began to fill there eyes. "He tried to kill himself...Key word:tried, he was not successful" Said Fishlegs

"If he would have done it, I would never forgive myself... I can't imagine a world without him" Snotlout said loudly

Suddenly they all stopped. They heard a noise, like someone was running towards them.

They looked around and only saw darkness.

The noise was getting louder, the person that was running towards them was getting closer and closer.

Suddenly in a split-second They saw there chief jump out and land on the floor right in front of was looking down.

"Oh my Gods, Chief are you alright" shouted Astrid

"No, no where is my son, where is he I have to find him"He said still in the ground with tears in his eyes.

They all froze and looked at each other.

"He's here we have him...he's alive" added Snotlout

At these words the chief shot up and looked at his son laying in Snotlouts arms.

" Oh, my son, how did you find him, where did you find him, and how is he still alive...The note said he was going to do it" The chief said the last part nearly above a whisper.

"Well Vast it's kind of a long story" Ruffnut said loudly.

" I do not wish to hear it now. We need to get Hiccup to a warm safe place and have an investigation of why he tried to do this. I would like to know what my only son has been doing in his room for years" Demanded Stoick.

The others nodded in respect and did what there chief ordered.

 **And there you go my amazing readers a much needed update to "A Blade And A Smile"**

 **Firstly I would like to say that I am open to 1 or 2 ideas of how this story could turn out. Minor ideas not Major ideas mostly about the Hiccups past.**

 **plzzzz Review if you like I can take criticism and hate.**

 **Thank you everyone who likes the story. See you next time I update**


	3. Apologizing

Day 1- **Hiccup is still unconscious- Stoicks POV**

I couldn't sleep. I just couldn't. How could I sleep while my only son is in this condition

I decided to go with him before I went to sleep maybe that could help.

Hiccup was not showing any signs that he was waking up. I started to get scared and recall all my memories with him. I didn't have a lot of them.

He was there laying in his bed, unconscious, with only his Heart beating as a sign of life.

I slides my fingers through this auburn hair.

"Please Hiccup, wake up soon, everyone needs you, Gobber needs you, _I need you."_

I miss my son. I love him so much. He's the only thing I have left. I promised Valka I would take care of our son and I failed her. I failed Hiccup. I fail as a father.

"My son, you are perfect, you are loved, I'm-I'm sorry...for everything"

"I'm sorry for not being your father, I'm sorry for the damage that me and village have done to you"

I kissed his forehead.

"I Love You" I let out a quite sob, I started crying. I've never cried like this before, the last time I had cried like this was when Valka died.

" I have failed you Valka this is all my fault"

I had lost track of time I Hadn't realize it was already morning.

I was heading down stairs in order to have breakfast.

But before I could get started in my meal k heard a knock on my front door.

As I reached to open it. I was a little surprised to see the teens of Berk in my front porch.

"Uncle, how is he, has he woken up yet" Snotlout said _'Weird the lad sounded as if he were extremely desperate to get an answer'_

 _"_ No my son has not yet woken" As I said this most of them hanged there heads in shame while the Thorston the in just let out heavy sighs.

"Since my son has not yet woken, I need to stop doing my chiefly duties in order to take care of him, My brother Spitelout will _temporarily_ be acting chief, he will resume the villages plans and works for me as I spent time with my son, in doing this so Dragon Training is now cancelled until further notice"

Most of them gasped while other looked at me with disbelief.

"Listen I know this news will highly affect most of you, and I know that all of you were very much looking forward to that honor, but I do notfeel it's right to continue Training while my son is in this critical and horrible state, please understand that my son is the most important thing in the village that should matter right now"

They all nodded respectfully. They turned around to leave bit before the could I stopped them.

"Wait, Remember when I said that I would be having in investigation in my sons room and private room in the forge in order to find out his Point Of View"

"Yes we do Vast, it was just yesterday and I'm pretty sure everyone remembered that, I mean who could forget, right guys?" None of them answered back.

I decided to ignore the young stupid boys comment and proceed.

"Well I did mean it, I will launch the investigation tomorrow first his room, then the other one he has in the forge, I request you all to be there next help with the investigation, considering the fact that most of you might have the answers for whatever it is that we might find"

"Yes sir, we would be there and help in any way we can" Said the young Hofferson girl.

"Good, be here tomorrow at dawn if it's possible"

They all nodded again.

"Wells then good day to you all" I was about to close the door when a foot stopped it before it could close the whole way.

"Wait Uncle" Said Snotlout surprising all the other teens.

"I didn't just come here to ask you how Hiccup is, I want to see him myself, may I please see him" he whisperd that last part but loud enough to for me to hear it.

"Of course you can"

A small smile speared in his face as I said the words.

I let Snotlout in my home as the others left.

I lead him into my sons room.

"Young lad, will you please take care of Hiccup while I'm gone, I still need to anointed to the village about your father being acting chief"

"Yeah sure I'd be honored" Snotlout said pulling up a chair and sitting next to Hiccups bed.

I wasn't very sure about leaving him alone with Hiccup but he looks lie, he needs to say something to him in private, also I do actually have to announce to the village about Spitelout so it's not a total lie.

-Snotlouts POV-

My head was spinning like crazy. The chief had just told me to take care of Hiccup for a short while. I stared into my cousins body.

He was always so pale, skinny and fragile. I feel guilty for beating his almost every day, I feel guilty for all the things I've said to him in the past, I feel guilty for never recognizing that he is not 'useless'.

He's my family. I never wanted it to be this way. I feel like I've been repeatedly stabbed by a thousand knives.

"You know baby cousin, I never waged it to end up like this" I felt a tear streaming down my cheek as a I spoke to my cousin.

"I care about you more than you think, you are my family, we have the same blood, you and I we are very different but that difference was the thing that should've brought us closer together, but I used that difference to tear us apart, and I used your difference to make fun of you, while I should've helps you instead"

I hadn't realize that my vision was already starting to blur from all the tears in my eyes.

"I-I-I Love Y-You"

The tears just kept going, no matter how I wiped it off more just kept streaming throughout my cheeks so I just went with it.

"When you wake up, _witch you will,_ I hope you find it in your heart to forgive me for all the dreadful damage I've done to you, I don't deserve your forgiveness but..."

I stopped for a moment

"IM SORRY..." My face was already bright red, and my eyes swollen from all the crying.

"THIS IS ALL MY FAULT...YOU DESERVE BETTER I WISH IT WERE ME IN THAT BED NOT YOU" I love my baby cousin.A LOT.

"I'm sorry..."

"I do not deserve to be your family"

As I said those last words I heard the front door of the house open.

I quickly attempted to wipe my tears.

I heard footsteps outside and before I knew it there was the chief opening the door

"I'm back thank you so much fo-" He stopped.

Crap. He must've notice my face as it was bright red and my eyes slightly red also.

"Lad are you okay..." He said gesturing my fave.

"Yeah chief I'm fine" I said trying to hide back the scene I just had with Hiccup.

"Guess, I got a little emotional there..."

He looked at me with puzzled eyes as if he never saw a warrior cry before. Then he spoke.

"Well then I appreciate what you have done, thank you Snotlout"

"Anytime uncle" I said feeling a bit better.

"I better go, have a good day uncle" I said as I walked down the stairs headed for the door.

-Stoicks POV-

Wow I have never seen Snotlout cry. Ever. He one of the best warriors in the village.

"Hiccup I hope you willing to forgive him, he looks like he just apologized to you 50 times"

I looked at my son deeply reflecting my own soul.

"I hope your willing to forgive me for... Everything."

"It wasn't just Snotlout that did this, It was also me, and the other teens, but to be honest, we've all got ourselves to blame for this"

"When you wake up my son, I will beat different man, You will have a different life, everything will change for the better..."

"You'll see..."

 **I deeply cried by writing the scenes here, hope you like it**


	4. Hiccups Story

Day 2- The Investigation- Stoicks POV.

Today is the Day me and the teens of Berk start searching my sons room.

It was morning, the teens should be here any minute now.

I silently made my way to my sons room. I set up the scene by dusting, and cleaning most of my sons things.

My sons room looked like it hadn't been dust in years.

 _'Geez,if your son has spent all his life in there, you'd expect the least thing he can do is clean a little'_

I planned a check list for every inch of Hiccups room, in order to stay organize while we have the investigation in both his room and in his office at the forge.

1\. Check all drawers.

2\. Behind all furniture.

3\. Under all floorboards

4\. Every single inch of the closet

5\. Under the bed

The list was specifically writing for 1 person to do the job, that counts for the 5 teens.

I in the other hand will be inspecting my sons office at the forge, with Gobber since he will probably know where Hiccup most likely will hide something.

The teens should soon arrive, in the meantime cleaning was all I could do.

-20 minutes later-

I heard a knock in my front door, _'must be the teens'_

I rushed down stairs to open the door. When I reached to the door and opened it I saw most of them carry notebooks and list of there own.

"What's with all this"

"Well, sir you may not know this but Hiccup has a journal, a private journal where he writes all his feelings and everything that goes on in his life, Gobber told us that it would either be in his room or in his office at the forge...we wanted to inform you this and the paper in just for taking any important notes" explained Fishlegs.

"Very well then, I wish you good luck, Gobber is waiting for me at the forge"

As I said this they all nodded in agreement.

"Hiccups room in just upstairs down the hall to the right, not the right"

They all nodded again.

I welcome them into my House.

"Farewell children, I will see you at noon"

All nodded for the last time.

I left.

-No ones POV-

They all enters the Chiefs house.

"Wow" Said Ruffnut.

The Chiefs house was like all the other houses but bigger. A LOT Bigger.

None of them have been in the Chiefs house before except for Snotlout, who has been to the house millions of times witch is why he was not that impressed by it.

"This house is so huge, I wish I lived here" Said Tuffnut.

"Stop it, remember the reason we're here" shouted Astrid.

The twins rapidly stopped talking and looked serious.

"Where did he say his room was again, someone's capable of getting lost in here" Said Fishlegs.

"The chief said his room is upstairs down the hall to the right" Said Astrid.

"Okay then let's go" Said Snotlout in a demanding Voice.

They all nodded and headed upstairs.

Thue went down the hall to the right and before they knew it they were in Hiccups room.

The room was huge. It was actually bigger then most of there living room at there houses.

"Damn even his room is way bigger than mine" Said Tuffnut Loudly.

"Shhhh" said Astrid as she shot him a death glare.

When thy went inside they saw his body laying peacefully on the bad.

Most of them let out heavy sighs.

" Okay the chief left us a list" Said Fishlegs.

" Number 1:Check all drawers, I think the Tuffnut can handle that. Simple and easy"

"Yeah!" Shouted Tuff.

"Number 2 is behind all furniture, Snotlout I think you can handle that since you are the most athletic and have the right amount of strength to move the heavy furniture" explained Fishlegs.

"Snotlout, Snotlout, Oy,Oy,Oy!" Singed Snotlout.

"Number 3 is Under all floorboards, I'll handle that beacause of my knowledge in geometry and difference between physics and measuring" said Fishlegs.

None of them understood a single word that came out of that boys mouth.

" Uhhh, come again" said The twins in Union.

Fishlegs sigh and said "Never mind I'll just do it"

"Number 4 is the entire closet, Astrid you can handle that due to your observation skills" said Fishlegs.

"Alright, I'll do my best" said Astrid.

"And finally Number 5 is Under the bed, it's simple and quite easy,Ruffnut you can easily handle that"

"Yay less work for me".

"Ok now that you all know your assignments lets get started, and if any of you find the Hiccups journal report it to everyone ASAP" Explamed Fishlegs.

They all nodded and began the search.

It was just a few minutes later when Tuffnut was the first to find something in the smallest drawer in the bottom.

"Guys I found something" hissed Tuffnut.

It was a bunch of daggers, laying in order from smallest to largest and the biggest one was wrapped in a purple clothe with a note tied to it.

They all started to get suspicious.

Astrid picked up the note and began to read out loud.

 _"My best and only friend, my 'cutting' dagger"_

 _*GASP* they all gaped in shock._

"WHOA, WHOA, WHOA..."shouted Snotlout. "Your telling me Hiccup CUTS!?"

They stared at the note blankly.

"Guys check his wrist is the most likely part he did it in" exclaims Fishlegs.

They all rushed to Hiccup still in the bed.

Fishlegs rolls up his sleeves and GASPS and screams in shock.

They see the scars, some looked older and some looked newer. They reached up all the way to his elbow. His scars were so vibrant, so straight, some of them looked deeper than other ones. He had them all over his wrist. His skin looked like it was scraped and cut and scratched by a thousand daggers.

They looked at it with disbelief.

"Wow, I wonder how long has it been since he felt this, how long has he been doing this?" Said Astrid.

"Cutting is an addiction like any other, once your addicted you just can't stop" said Fishlegs.

"You know...this is actually on of the steps in extremely severe depression" explained Fishlegs.

"Well that's obviously what he had, I mean he did try to kill himself." Said Ruffnut

"Yeah... Come on put the daggers in the list and note them, then put them in the desk that's where we'll put whatever we find that real evidence" Said Snotlout

They all agreed and did what they were told.

It wasn't much longer until another one found something suspicious.

"Guys come check this out under the floorboards" shouted Fishlegs.

They all rushed toward the boy leaning down next to a stack of papers.

"Uhhhhh...Lets read them just to note what they are." Said Astrid.

Every paper had a different writing on it and when they read the first one they realized what they were. _Suicide poems._

The first page had this:

 _'The Demons control me_

 _I can't get them out_

 _they give me advice_

 _on what life is about,_

 _They tell me to bleed,_

 _to suffer, to starve_

 _"Take the blade to your skin_

 _Go ahead, and carve,_

 _These Demons are wining_

 _my life is a mess,_

 _Im drowning in the ocean_

 _of pain in my chest.'_

As they finished reading this most of them started to tear up.

"Did-Did he write this..." Asked Astrid.

No one answered they just continued to the next poem.

The second one had this:

 _Scars._

 _Scars on your soul._

 _Scars on you skin._

 _Some on the outside._

 _Some are with in._

 _Some have a story._

 _Some are unwritten._

 _Some you can see,_

 _But most are quite hidden._

"Wow, He-he's a really good writer" said Snotlout.

They continued reading.

3rd page:

 _The cutters lullaby:_

 _Hushabye baby, your almost dead_

 _You don't have a pulse and your pillow in red_

 _Your family hates you, your friend let you bleed_

 _Sleep tight with a knife, cause it's all you need_

 _Rockabye baby, broken and scarred_

 _You didn't know life would be this hard_

 _Time to end the pain that you hid so well_

 _And down will come baby, straight back to hell._

"Oh, my gods, this is wrong that knife isn't what Hiccup needs at all, and His-his family doesn't hate him neither do his friend, I will not let him bleed any longer" demanded Snotlout.

They just stared at him and began with the second one, surprisingly kind of short.

4th page:

 _The Dead have all the luck:_

 _If wild my breast and sore my pride_

 _I bask in dreams of suicide_

 _If cool my heart, and high my head_

 _I think how lucky are the Dead'._

"OH MY GODS, stop this now I don't want to read anymore!" Shouted Astrid.

"Let's just note this and get back to our assignments...ok" said Astrid.

They all nodded in agreement.

-1 hour later-

"Guys I found something" Yelled Astrid from the closet.

She came out with a red box. They looked at each other and opened it.

They all cheered when they saw what was inside. _Hiccup journal._

 _"_ Perfect, this will contain most of the answers were looking for" Shouted Fishlegs.

"That's about it for me guys, I didn't find anything in the back of any of Hiccups furniture." Said Snotlout.

"Yeah...and plus there was absolutely nothing under the bed.." Added Ruffnut.

" Okay so let's report what we have found to the chief it's almost noon" Said Snotlout.

Theh were about to leave the room when they heard something like someone breathing heavily and loudly.

They turned around and rushed toward Hiccup.

He was breathing a lot better...

"Guys his breathing in getting a lot better" shouted Fishlegs with glee.

"Yessss" "Who-hoo"

Everyone cheered with happiness.

"Yes he's getting better, let's hurry and tell the chief the fantastic news, and let's show him everything we found!"

In a flash they were all gone.

 **So guys, you like, and about he poems me and my sister work extra hard to write most of them, also**

 **PLEASE REVIEW! When you guys review it giv s me the motivation to keep writing this story... So bye**


	5. Hiccups possessions

The rest of Day 2-No ones POV.

The 5 nightmares rushed pass the crowds in the village in order to reach the forge, it was almost noon and almost time for the chief to stop the Investigation.

They were almost there.

They could see the chief in the distance.

Some of the villagers asked them what was going on.

But they just kept going and told them "Sorry no time, gotta run"

Once they made it to the forge they saw the chief outside getting ready to leave.

"Oh, teens, have you found anything interesting in my sons room, I assume it was for a good reason that you came running from my house all the way over here." Exclaimed the Chief.

"Sir, in the five places you told us to look at we found one thing in 3 of them that u am sure you would find very interesting" explained Fishlegs.

"Oh, very well then you may come in and show me these things."

"Chief those are not all the reasons we are here, something amazing happened" shouted Snotlout. He didn't notice that as he said this a whole crowed start d to from around them. Almost the entire village.

" Oh really well what is this amazing news you speak of"

"Well, chief as we were about to leave Hiccups room, we heard something coming from his bed like someone was breathing heavily, then when we came rushing towards him we found out that his breathing is getting a lot better...He's breathing normally now" Said Astrid out of breathe.

Everyone around smiled and some cheered with happiness.

" This is grate news, my son will wake up in no time" Said the chief.

At these words everyone yelled with Joy.

"Yeah..." " Whoo-hoo" "Thank Thor..." Was heard all around.

" Well now that you've told me this, it's time to see the evidence you've got, there was nothing in Hiccups room at the forge, just his crazy ideas for inventions and blueprints" said the chief and He brought them in the forge.

They entered the forge. It was boiling hot In there.

Theh sat down at the table in the far corner.

"So tell me what have you found" started the Chief.

"Well okay, we're gonna start with the first that found something Tuffnut" said Fishlegs

"My Job was to check every drawer in Hiccups room, there wasn't anything on the obvious big ones, just clothes and some had...ummm...Hiccups Underwear ...hehehehe...and yeah in the smallest one in the bottom of all of them, I found 10 dagger organized by smallest to largest, the largest one was wrapped in a purple cloth and on top of it was a note...here it is" as he finished he handed the chief the note.

The chief had started reading. _...'My best and only friend, my 'cutting' dagger'_

 _When the chief finished reading he went pale._

"Oh my Gods, my son has been CUTTING, it can't be..." He said with sadness in his eyes.

" Sir we check his wrist, there were scars everywhere, some looked newer while others looked a lot older, His skin looked like it had been cut and scraped by a thousand daggers" finished Astrid.

"I never knew...this is horrible, self harm is one of the signs of sever depression"

"Yes sir, that's what Hiccup did and by his scars, he's been doing it for more than 3 years..." Said Fishlegs.

" Let's continue what was next" said the chief.

" Next was me, I and the job of under the loose floor boards, under one of them was a stack of papers each with different writing on it, when we started reading the 1st ones, we understood what they were. They were suicide poems Hiccup wrote" said Fishlegs.

Stoick looked at the teen wide-eyed, Hiccup put one of his ' _poems'_ in the suicide note he left him.

" Oh dear gods, Hiccup pit one of them in the note he left me, when he was gonna do it...can I read them" said the chief.

They handed him the papers.

As Stoick began reading poem after poem he started to feel tears in his eyes.

"Hiccup is a very talented writer...he's very good...if only he didn't write depressing poems..." Said Snotlout.

"My gods, these are extremely detailed...I don't know what to say" said the chief.

"What the next thing children" he said as he put the papers down.

"The next thing is the best, it's what Astrid found" said Fishlegs.

Stoick seemed pleased by this news.

"Well sir, I had the job of searching the entire closet, what I found in there is most pleasing, I found a small red box I'm there and inside it was Hiccups JOURNAL! The one he writes everything in" shouted Astrid.

"Well the lad has had that for some time now, I gave him the journal 2 years ago" said Gobber that was still working but in the same time hearing everything around him.

"Oh really, so the journal will begin 2 years in the past, let's start reading it from the very beginning" Explamed the Chief.

They all nodded and began to pull the cover to page 1.

-Hiccups Journal-

 _I cannot believe Gobber got me a journal. Seriously what the hell am I 'a girl'._

 _I guess it's not that bad, it's finally nice to have something to write down my miserable life in._

 _Today was like any average day, I wake up head down to breakfast and say 'Good morning' to my father like the pathetic wimp I am, and obviously I don't receive and answer back, I just get the Stoick The Vast famous disappointed scowled, and with a heavy sigh I get ready to start another bad day._

 _I go outside and as I'm jogging to the forge I see many Viking pointing at me then laughing and some with the famous 'Your dumb,stupid and useless' look on there faces._

 _I was already use to this kind of stuff so I just decided to keep going, but as always before I could reach the forge, I get pushed to the ground and kicked in the back and when I raise my head to find out who it is I see my 'not so smart cousin Snotlout'._

 _Let me introduce my cousin SNOTLOUT JORGENSON the person that has always made me feel small and like I'm nothing. The person that has been beating me and calling me names since I was 7 years old. He might be my cousin but we are **VERY** different, we have nothing in common he's muscular and I'm weak, he's tall, I'm small, he's popular, and I'm universally despised by my entire village. Some times I think that my Dad will get tired of me and just let him be the Heir to berk instead, he will make a much better heir than me. _

_When I look behind my dumbass cousin I see The twins Tuffnut and Ruffnut. Astrid Hofferson. And Fishlegs Imgerman. In my life they are known as the 5 NIGHTMARES , _

_They are the teens that like Snotlout made my life impossible and the teens that have always made me feel like a total pice of crap._

 _Sometimes I wish I could just stand up to them and give them a tasted of there own medicine. But I can't do that. If I do that then there gonna give me the beating of my entire life, I've gotten bad beating before but the one there gonna give me if I stand up to them will just end me up in Gothis healing hut in the edge of the village._

 _So all I do is simply resist there hard kick and punches, but so,write I admit it gets to hard so I start crying a little but never loud enough to or obvious enough so no one can notice._

 _Sometimes I wish I could end it all, take my own life, sometimes I wish I could just stop all the pain and ended forever once and for all. But I'm to much or a coward to that, even thought I wish with all my might that I could just die in an accident or someone could murder me. That way no one will know about my pain and I won't have to do it myself._

 _I do self harm. I cut. There are hundreds of scars all over my body, some big and some small, my favorite scars are the one in my wrist, I don't care what people think if they ever found out, I love them. Those scars make me feel alive, they make me feel like I exist. I need to do it again, I feel an uncontrollable urge to keep the cutting going. I NEED to do it again. Brb_

 _I did it. It felt so good. The icy blade puncturing my skin and Blood coming out of the wound. The scars on my wrist have a different story each._

 _For example let me tell you the story of my very 1st cut._

 _I was just 9 years old. I was still a child, I was not even a teenager._

 _I was working late in the forge._

 _Suddenly I heard voices from the outside, I heard at least 5 of them._

 _Before I knew it my cousin Snotlout burst through the the door and shouted " Snotlout, Snoutlout,Oy,Oy,Oy"_

 _I was a little tired since it was late and didn't have the strength to defend my self._

 _Behind my cousin there were the 4 other nightmares._

 _"Can I help you" I said stupidly._

 _I guess I sounded a little annoyed because when I finished saying it, my cousin pushed me to the ground._

 _"Wow, Useless are you getting sassy with me, no one talks to me like that especially a useless runt, no more of this attitude, UNDERSTAND!"_

 _I just nodded my head rapidly. I guess I was a little scared._

 _"Good, now the reason we came here is because my princess Astrid needs her axe back from sharpening"_

 _Yeah apparently my cousin has a crush on my crush. Well whatever it's not like I'm ever gonna get her anyway._

 _"Sure would you like the anthropological synesthesia of axe wheeling or the pestilential dioxoclaboc Nouakchott acid" I said sarcastically._

 _When I finished my sentence Snotlout kicked me in the ribs. Hard._

 _Geez. That hurt so bad. I can still feel the pain._

 _"DO NOT MESS WITH MY MIND USELESS"_

 _When he told me this like a complete fool I answered back. It was the dumbest thing I've ever done, like a total useless runt that I am I said_

 _"What mind"_

 _Gods that was the biggest mistake of my LIFE, because right after that my cousin picked me up and threw me across the room._

 _That hurt A LOT. I landed on the wall of weapons where Astrid's axe was._

 _As I landed it the hard wall a small dagger pierced my back._

 _It wasn't that big of damage but it fucking hurt. It hurt a lot._

 _What I didn't realize is that Astrid's axe also fell but the handle was ripped of and the axe that was perfectly sharpened had broken into 2._

 _I got back up still not realizing about Astrid's axe, I was more concentrated in the dagger in my back._

 _But then I raised my head and saw Astrid staring at her axe wide eyed. When I noticed where she was looking at I got nervous._

 _"OH MY GODS, MY AXE, LOOK WHAT YOU DID TO MY AXE, YOU STUPID RUNT!"_

 _As she said this she punched me ._

 _"I'm sorry" I said still in the floor in pain from the dagger._

 _No one looked like they noticed the cut in my back._

 _"I was just-" I was cut off by Astrid kicking me._

 _"BEING USELESS LIKE THE STUPID DUMB RUNT THAT YOU ARE!"_

 _She started kicking me more violent and more rapidly. Like I was a ball._

 _"You broke my princess's axe and for that you shall pay" said my dumbass cousin._

 _Then he started to punch my aching body and after that the twins started laughing and started to slap my face. Hard._

 _My cheeks were burning red from the slapping._

 _It hurt so fucking bad. Everything hurt. My entire body was completely numb._

 _Finally they stopped after Fishlegs told them to stop or they'll end up killing me and that I'm the Chiefs son blah,blah blah...I felt so relived. That someone had a little heart._

 _After that they left laughing and high diving each other and Before they left Astrid squatted down next to me and whisperd into my ear_

 _"You owe me a new axe, dumbass" and before she left she picked up my face and punched it._

 _I couldn't feel my body it was completely numb and I'm not even mentioning the dagger still in my back._

 _I didn't want to get up I just wanted to stay there and die, but eventually I regained a little strength a got up._

 _I removed the dagger in my back and cleaned the wound, after I just put bandages on it._

 _I decided to not go to Gothis hut, she would ask what happened then when I tell her, she will tell the chief, and then my dad will ground me and tell me that I need to be a better man and blah blah blah blah...whatever he'll never have sympathy for me anyway._

 _I got back up and went home. My father obviously asleep._

 _I went to my room and locked the door._

 _And I just started sobbing for some reason, I don't know why but I just couldn't take it, it was there when I began to hate myself for being the stupid screw up that I am, I will never be loved and what happened tonight was proof._

 _Did they even fucking notice that it was Snotlouts fault, I didn't do anything, it was his fault not mine HIS!._

 _That when an idea popped into my head. Cutting. I heard depressed people do it all the time and I heard it makes them feel alive, I heard it makes them feel free and I heard it makes them feel like actual human beings._

 _I grabbed the dagger in my belt..._

 _I stared at it blankly wondering 'maybe this is all I need , maybe this will make me feel alive'_

 _That's when I happened, before I knew it I slide the tip of the blade against my skin and blood began to pour out._

 _I stared at the red liquid, it was very interesting, I loved the dark color it looked amazing, I admired the image, it hurt a little at first but then the pain went away and so did all the physical pain and emotional pain that happened tonight._

 _I thought to myself 'This feels so fucking amazing, I love it, it's like all my troubles got washed away temporarily of course'_

 _And thus my friend that's the story of my first cut, I made that 4 years ago and I still have the mark on my arm._

 _now I'm 13 and I have hundreds of them._

 _I feel different though._

 _I feel like ever since that day something inside me changed._

 _I feel now like I'm the least important person in the world. And it's very much true._

 _But that change was more than that. And like you guessed it._

 _I OFFICIALLY HAVE DEPRESSION._

 _Its not like it matters anyways._

 _Im such a bastard._

 _Anyway that's pretty much it. DUCES._

-End of Hiccups first page-

They all stared at the words on that page bleakly.

" OH MY GODS. I HAD NO IDEA THAT AFFECTED HIM SO MUCH IM SOOOO SORRY I WISH I WAS IN THAT BED NOT HIM, HE DIDNT DESERVE THIS" screamed Astrid capturing everyone's attention.

"We all have ourselves to blame we will not continue reading his journal. This explains everything. All we can do now is wait until my son recovers." Said the chief in a raspy voice.

Theu all nodded. Fishlegs fainted after about half way into reading it, the twins and Snotlout started sobbing and crying as they were reading about what they did to him.

I guess the haven't payed much attention to the time beacause it was almost sun down.

They all went home sad and feeling extremely guilty with there heads hanging in shame.

000

 **So that's pretty much it and btw The story I wrote here about him being beaten by the 5 nightmares is actually true, happened to me once but you know not with the characters there and I wasn't beaten by braking an axe it was for braking a computer. So yeah. BUT I AM NOT DEPRESSED. I don't have depression.**

 **I just like to add spice to these stories.**

 **R and R**


	6. He's thinking

-The Day of the Return- Day 3-

-Hiccups POV-

The last thing I can remember is everything going black and screaming voices coming from the outside.

I had no idea what was going on around me, it sounded like someone was trying to save me.

But thats impossible, everyone hates me, everyone would be extremely happy if I were dead, they would probably throw the biggest celebration of the year if i were deceased.

I have absolutely no idea how long I've been unconscious, all I can see is total darkness. I hear voices coming from the outside i recognize most of them but not all of them.

I wonder if I'm still alive. Oh Gods No. I don't want to remain alive I really want to die. Please tell me I'm dead and this is secretly Valhalla.

If I'm still alive then that means that someone rescued me. What i don't understand is why. Why in the name of Thor would someone even consider caring about **Hiccup the Useless.**

I really hope I'm dead, if I wake up I really want to be in Valhalla. All i can do is wait and see what happens.

If I really am dead I can only imagine how people must be celebrating in Berk. MY fathers parenting troubles are over. Gobber finally got rip of his useless apprentice.

The village finally got rip of the useless runt that always messed up every time I had the chance to.

Snotlout and the rest of the 5 nightmares got rip of the useless punching bag.

Seriously my death isn't really a big tragedy. When i wake up i rally want to see mom.

Everything in my life was going down never really up.

So it only make sense that I did this. The person that i will miss the most is probably MY father, Gbber and Astrid.

I know Astrid was one of the people that made me do this but i can't help but love her, she never was part of the beatings. EVER.

Well except that time when I was nine and I accidentally broke her axe. Well it was actually Snotlout. But I don't blame her for taking it all on me, I deserved it for being useless and for being a runt.

Wait now I hear something coming from outside, I think someone is talking to me, I the the voice is coming from a female.

Her voice sounds really familiar, I've heard it before.

She sounds like she's whispering, she's speaking softly to me. I can't understand a single word she's saying.

She sounds like a dying whale.

Now I hear her talking louder, but I still can't understand, ok I'm pretty sure she's yelling. If this is Valhalla, well, this isn't what I was expecting at all.

Now her voice if fading. I think shes gone. Who was she?.

000

3 minutes earlier

Astrids POV

000

I walked in his room, it looked the same s we left it, nothing looked out of place or disturbed.

I see him laying in his bed. He looked paler then usual. I'm finally alone with him.

"I read your journal...I know what you did after I accused you of breaking my axe, and I know it wasn't your fault, it was Snotlouts..." I paused wondering if he could understand what I'm saying.

"Hiccup...I've always thought that you just ignored the pain we caused you, I've always thought you were strong enough to face it on your own...I was Dead wrong...the pain we were causing you was destroying your life...I-I-I didn't know what to think the moment I saw you put that rope a-around your throat...I saw Y-you jump from t-that log and almost choke yourself to d-d-death."

I didn't realize that tears were forming on my eyes. I Attempted to wipe them away but it didn't work, they just kept building up and adding more and more...eventually I just let them pour out of my eyes freely...even warriors cry sometimes...NOT.

"Hiccup...I-I-I L-Love you"

I TOLD HIM.. I finally told him...These feeling have been kept inside for way to long.

"I never should have accused you of breaking my axe...you were obviously not the culprit...But...you were the victim. I punished you for something that you didn't do...I deserve MUCH worse then just a beating..."

Tears were pouring out of my eyes and sliding across my cheeks.

"When you wake up...PLEASE Forgive me...I don't deserve your forgiveness, and I'm not gonna blame you if you don't...but please...I _Need_ you Hiccup, Eveyone does..."

I need to leave, the chief only gave me a few minutes, our time was limited, but I will come back and the next time I do or anyone does, I hope that he's awake.

000

Presant time-Hiccups POV

000

What was all that about. The female voice I heard sounded as if she were crying and she spoke to me. In Valhalla it is impossible to feel sadness...Witch means I must be in...OH GODS NO.

IM STILL ALIVE!...How is it even possible, I hanged myself and I'm pretty sure I blacked out after that.

HOLY THOR!... You know what this means... _EXPLANING..._ I've got a lot of EXPLANING to do to everyone.

GRATE...Just grate.

Unless...

Maybe I could say that I don't remember anything, I could say that all my memory was erased...Yes, that could work perfectly, that way j won't have EXPLANING to do and I could just go back to normal...

But I don't know it's to risky...maybe I should try it first then if they explain to me what I tried to do I would say ' _oh ok, I remember now'_.

I really don't want to lie to everyone but if I try to do this and if it succeeds, it could save me a lot of awkward talks...I'll think about it... When the moment comes I'll decide.

Then something popped into my head.

MY CUTS. THE SCARS IN MY ARMS.

Oh my Thor. What if anyone saw them. I really hope not.

And Tbh considering Viking hygiene, they probably haven't even changed my clothes soooo... I have hope...

Now just one more problem left. How do I wake up?

I don't even know how long I've been in s coma. Maybe a couple of days...

I guess I'll just have to wait and see what happens

000

 **GUYS, IM SO SORRY FOR NOT UPDATING IN 4 DAYS.**

 **I PROMISE YOU GUYS I WILL NOT ABANDON THIS STORY!**

 **If I'm late for a story, it's either beacause I'm SUPER busy orrrr beacause I'm**

 **DEAD!**

 **Anyway please RandR**

 **And also a few spoilers: HICCUP WAKES UP IN THE NEXT CHAPTER WEEEEEE!**

 **Love you all❤️❤️**


	7. He's awake

-Hiccups POV-

Somethings weird, I don't feel numb anymore, I'm starting to actually feel my body, I even tried opening my eyes. I did.

Im not in that coma anymore, but it's night, so I'll just go and wake up in the morning when my Dad isn't here.

Finally after those long Day or possibly weeks of being in that coma I can sleep in peace.

 **-Next morning-**

I woke up.

I remembered what was the plan. Just get up tell everyone everything's fine and that I don't remember anything and just continue like the average day.

Im wearing the same clothes that I was wearing when I attempted, I don't know how long that's been. Maybe a few days.

Should I just walk around the village, when people ask me when did I wake up and why am I moving I'll just say 'what are you talking about', or the next time someone comes in I'll just wake up.

I think I'll go with my second option, it could be a while before my father returns from doing his Chiefly duties, but I can wait.

This coma has really been a life changing experience, maybe I could write another suicide poem while I'm just here waiting.

-2 Hours later-

It took a while but I think I got all of it. Here it goes...

-Dead end-

Listen to my screams, Follow the Pain  
I'm getting lost, in this ocean of shame  
I don't know what to do, I don't know where to go  
Listen to my Voice, it's screaming 'Hello'  
You're the one that doing it, tearing me apart  
You're the one responsible, for the pain in my Heart

Maybe it's time for my life to reach an End.  
I never really had One single Friend.  
I'm hanging, I'm hanging from the ceiling  
Live your life without me, and keep on dreaming  
Sleep today, quietly in your Bed  
For tomorrow you will find me Dead

Your heart will cry, it will surely bleed  
Don't get on your knees, do not plead  
I'm Dead theres no going back now  
I will not come back, this I Vow  
Don't cry, Don't plead, Don't Dread  
For there is no coming back, I Am Truly Dead

-End-

Wow that one is unusually long, I usually do short poems. I think I know why...

When I write Poems it always comes from an experience, it usually comes from the Heart and it's mostly about all the feeling that I have bottled up inside. I guess I did have all that inside me.

Maybe I should just tell the truth, I do remember that I attempted suicide, and I know that weather I like it or not I'm going to have to explain and talk about what I did, There going to ask me why I did it. I don't know how to answer that question, but when the time comes I'll just say the truth.

It's going to be hard. What I did isn't gonna be forgotten really easily, it will be remembered, and I'll just have to live with that pain.  
I don't know if my past will come back to haunt me in the future, but I have to face it. I'm the one that tried to take the cowardly way out, and now I know that I was wrong.

There's still something in my mind that I still don't understand.

 _Who was the person or who were the people that rescued me,who was the person that saved my life?_

It didn't make any sense I made sure I wasn't followed.

I guess I'll find out when I wake up.

UUHGGG!...

I can't abandon my depression just like that. I feel an urge to cut, I feel the need to slit my wrist. Every single day of my life I've always been compared to everyone else.  
Everyday since I was 11, I've compared my life with everyone else's. I looked at Berk. I looked at every perfect being that lived there. No one is going thought the pain that I am feeling. I wish I was perfect, just for a day. Abandon all this eternal pain and live a life full of happiness.  
Sometimes I wish I was never even born.

I'm not a fighter. I'm not useful. I'm not needed. I'm not _Perfect._

With those words I fell onto deep sleep.

-4 hours later-

I woke up. Still with my eyes closed, I started moving a little and moaning. I reached my hand and placed it on top of my forehead.

"Son...Hiccup...Wake up my boy"

My heart skipped a beat, I opened my eyes slowly. I sit up. My Father and Gobber were standing on each side of the bed, well more like kneeling down in each side of my Bed.

"Son are you Alright, does anything hurt" my father said.

"No...no I don't think so..." I said in a raspy voice.

My Father and Gobber looked ay each other with concern in there eyes.

"Hiccup... Do you remember anything at all about what happened..." Said my father.

At first I didn't know what was he talking about, but then I remembered. I had tried to kill myself. Oh my Thor, this is it.

Should I tell the truth or should I lie, Uhhh, witch one is the right one. Uhhhhh. Uhhhh.

"Yes...I remember" I said. Honesty is the best Policy. I hope.

My Father looked at me with worry in his eyes. I lowered my head trying not to look at anything but my lap.

"How do you feel about it Hiccup..." my father said

I thought for a second, what do they expect me to say.

"Fine..." I lie "I feel Fine" still looking down.

I don't think my father belived my lie beacause after he said...

"Hiccup... Son, it's ok. You can express yourself freely there's no need to hide"

I have to admit I was a little puzzled by his answer, he usually isn't that nice or _sensitive_ at least not around anyone.

I didn't talk, I wanted to speak but no words were coming out of my mouth. I just stayed silent.

Gobber was the first to brake the silence.

"Ay, lad you gave us quite the scare" he said slightly smiling.

I was a little confused by his answer. Who's 'us'. Unless he was talking about himself and my dad. Maybe Gobber is the one that saved my life. I still have to find out.

"Who's 'us'?" I say in a raspy voice still not raising my head.

"Why, the village of course, everyone's been an emotional wreck since you, ummm, uhh...well you know" Gobber kind of trailed off in that sentence.

Wait, WHAT?!... The village is actually missing me? No, that couldn't be. Everyone hates me.

I shot my head up after Gobber finished talking. This got the attention of both Gobber and my father.

"Son... A-are you ok" my father said In a worried voice. I guess I shouldn't have shot my head up like that.

"Uhh, yea, yea I'm ok... I'm just a little surprised" I said.

I was still a little shocked from the fact that the village actually cared. I have to figure out who was that saved me...Please, please please...let it be Gobber.

"Surprised at what my boy?" My father asked. Now that I'm actually looking at him, I can see the pain in his eyes, he's shaken a little.

"Not important, umm uh, can I, uhh, ask you a question?" I said...

"Yes son, you can ask me anything" he said.

I can't believe I'm about to ask him this... But I have to find out who were the people that saved me.

"Why am I still alive?" I said without hesitation.

 **000**

 **I know right!**

 **sorry for not updating, since school was starting I've been pretty busy.**

 **Yesturday was my birthday. I'm getting a Samsung Note 7 with the virtual reality head gear. Pretty cool right**

 **I love you all❤️❤️**


	8. The side

**-Hiccups POV** **-**

After I asked my question, Both Gobber and My father went pale.

I couldn't tell what was on there minds, I just asked the most awkward and possibly life changing question EVER.

"Uh...Well you see...Uh...Hiccup... Umm...I-I...uhh" My father was trying to awnser my question but he just couldn't.

I saw the expression in his face.

It showed pain and regret. It showed pity and confusion. It showed love and kindness. I can only imagine what is going through his mind.

That's kind of weird, I thought everyone, including my dad, would be very upset is I wasn't dead.

There's something weird going on.

"Hiccup, son, maybe it's best if Your question is answered by the people who saved your life." My father said.

So it was more than just 1 person...It was a group of people... I wonder who? When I went to Raven point I made sure I wasn't followed...

"Alright" I said in in a soft voice.

If only I could go inside my fathers mind...I want to see what he thinks about this.

 **-Stoicks POV-**

I have no idea what to think...My own flesh and blood asked me why is he still alive.

This is the worst day of my entire life...Hiccup is the single most important thing in my world, and I'm ashamed for not realizing it sooner.

"Well, I'll be heading out, I'll go tell the village that you're finally awake. They'll be thrilled with the news" Gobber said as he go up and exited the room.

Alone with my Son..This is Immensely awkward. I've never really been this close to him.

"Hiccup...why did you do it...why did you attempt to take your own life. You scared me to Death" I said to him.

He lowered his head. I could see that he docent want to talk about it. He docent want to answer my question but I need to know.

"Hiccup Please forgive me for everything I've done to you, I know I caused you a lot of pain. I know That this situation was partly my fault, And I know that I'm one of the people that pushed you into doing this. I recognize my mistake. And I'm willing to change...Change everything for you" I said in a soft worried voice.

Hiccup looked kind of surprised to receive my answer... I guess he's not use receiving this much sympathy or affection by anyone.

If only I could go inside his mind.

 **-Hiccups POV-**

Wow. Just Wow.

That was both unexpected and random.

For a second there I actually belived that what he said was true. Even if my father does mean it, it doesn't change the fact that I had tried to take my own life. Even if my life would get 100 times better it doesn't erase the fact that my depression got the best of me. I don't know if what he said was true, but I do know a couple of things that aren't.

 **1\. My life will not get better. I will get worst. MUCH worst.**

 **2\. This little incident will just double my teasing and name-calling. For example**

 **("Hey look there goes Hiccup the Useless: Snotlout.**

 **"Yeah just look at him he's such a disappointment":Tuffnut.**

 **"Haha, you said it bro. The boy that couldn't kill anything, not even himself":Ruffnut**

 **"Please, that runt will never survive, if only he could have just died:Astrid.**

 **"I'll be surprised if he even makes it pass 20: Fishlegs.)**

 **And last but not least**

 **3\. My father now has more than enough to reasons to take Snotlout as his heir.**

For a moment there was a silence in the room.

As my thoughts increased, I felt a raging anger towards them, Towards everyone.

My chest got tighter and tighter. They don't care. They feel guilty. They don't care. They feel responsible. They don't care. They feel bad.

I had mixed feeling about everything. My head started spinning and looking into my memories the only thing I saw was pain and regret.

This anger it's getting more and more intense. I feel walls closing in on me. I feel like my whole world just took a dead end.

 _And it was all there fault._

"Go" I said a bit to loud.

My father just looked at me with concern in his eyes.

"W-what do you mean" he said. I could tell by his voice that he was a bit worried.

Damn right he should be.

"Get out, I want to be alone" I said a bit louder.

"No Hiccup, I will not leave your side"

"Just get out, Gods Dammit, I want to be alone, just go away and leave me in peace!" I was in full volume now.

My father took a step back he was in shock.

We looked at each other...

My father just sigh and said...

"If it's what you wish then I'll leave you alone, for now" he said as he left the room.

My brain snapped back to reality... I realized what I just said to my father.

Oh Thor.

I didn't know what came over me. All I felt was pure anger against...Everyone.

My mind just stopped working and all I felt, all I could think of was how incredibly mad I am.

I laid back in my bed. Just thinking of what happened.

How could I have let this strange feeling take me over. I don't know what that was and I don't know if that's a secret hidden side of my personality, but that person that just yelled at my father was not the real me.

My eyes started getting heavier and my body started shutting down.

And without a second to spear I drifted away into a deep sleep.

000

 **Again sorry for not updating In a while. I've been really busy with school and the whole Job thing.**

 **If you like what you saw, that is Hiccups secret Dark side. That side has been hidden inside him for a very long time.**

 **My fans you have asked for a Hiccup that will not easily forgive... And by Thor's mighty hammer I gave you one.**

 **Trust me what you just saw is only the beginning...**

 **(evil laugher) BWHAH-HA-HA-HA...Wow I'm so evil, sometimes I scare myself.**

 **1 more thing: PLZZZZZ review, I love it when people review. Even if it's hate and/or criticism, I would definitely love it.**

 **Love You All❤️❤️**


	9. Shit I forgot

-Hiccups POV-

Morning.

I woke up. I felt a bit tired and kind of cold. I still haven't opened my eyes, I was enjoying the last few minutes I had of sleep. I felt way to tired today, I really didn't feel like moving or basicly doing anything today.

I rolled to the top so I could be facing the ceiling, and I slightly opened my eyes.

I could see the warm morning sunlight entering thought my window. I saw the dust particles shining in the sunlight moving freely with the wind. It was a beautiful day.

When I wanted to reach up and sit up in my bed I suddlently heard a noise from the outside. They were heavy footsteps, like someone claiming up the stairs. I knew immediately that it was none other than my Father, Stoick The Vast.

Not long after my mind started racing back on what happened the day before. I yelled at my father and I got mad. Well more than mad I got furious. I really regret doing that, yelling at my father and telling him to leave was not like me at all, I really want him to know how sorry I am.

I quickly got in bed and put the sheets on top of my body. My father entered the room.

He slowly opened the door and glanced at me.

"Son, are you alright. Is it ok if I come in." He said.

"Yeah, of course you can" I said with no hesitation.

My father just simply nodded and entered the room.

"Son about Yesturday-"

"Dad, I'm sorry, I didn't mean to yell at you, I just felt a little angry" I cut him off.

"No son it's ok, I actually understand why you yelled at me and why you felt that way, it's ok everything is fine"

Well that was surprisingly easy. I bearly had to say anything to get myself noticed. That's never happened before.

"Are, you hungry?" My father continued.

I just simply shook my head gesturing a obvious 'no'.

"Son, please you have to eat something, you've been in a come for 3 days, that's way to much time without eating"

I wasn't even being my usall stubborn self. I was just simply not hungry. I really just don't want to eat.

I shook my head again. "I'm not hungry"

My father just let out a heavy sigh. "Fine, maybe not now but you will eat later" My father demanded.

"Son, today please awnser my question."

At first I didn't know what this my father was talking about. Then I suddenly realized and knew what he was talking about. He wants to know why I attempted suicide.

"Why did you do it son. Why did you attemp to take your own life." He started of.

Her goes nothing...

"Dad I...I did it beacause I have no purpose. I did beacause I thought the world was against me, I thought everyone was against me. I thought I would be everyone a big favor by just Dying...It was a simple solution...Just Dying."

"Hiccup, my boy, I'm sorry. I don't know what's wrong with me. You Hiccup are the most important thing in my life, Son I'm not the only person that misses you. The entire village has been grieving and mourning ever since the news started spreading, no one could get anything done without thinking of you."

His awnser was a bit shocking. And a little crazy.

"Dad I know your sorry... But this little incident is not gonna be easily forgotten. This will just double the teasin and the name-calling."

"No it won't son. Everyone deeply regrets everything they've done to you. And don't worry about the teasing and the name-calling. They won't do that anymore. Especially not the **_5 Nightmares"_**

Yeah...Wait...WHAT!?

How the hell does he know I call all the teens the 5 nightmares. I only wrote that in my journal witch I kept well hidden in the closet. He couldn't have read it...or could he.

I looked around the room to find some sort of clue. And Boy did I find one.

I looked in the bottom drawer witch is where I keep all my cutting daggers and my favorite cutting knife. It was open. Oh, My, Thor.

He knows I CUT. Well this has been the worst experience of my life.

I looked at the floorboard where I keep my poems in. It was also open. The papers were not inside. And he knows I write stuff about suicide.

Grate...Just Grate.

Then finally I looked at what shocked me the most. In my desk there was my journal. It was open. All my suicidal thoughts, the drawing of angels and Valhalla. All my suicide plans. HOLY CRAP.

My father noticed where I was looking at and said...

"We decided to have a full investigation."

"Find anything interesting" I said bearly above a whisper.

"Actually we did, we found the small drawer where apperently you keep all your self-harm tools. We found your suicide poems. And everything else in your journal. But the most interesting thing we found was a very small, and super sharp dagger in the edge of your closet, in your journal you just said it was plan B"

"Ummm...yeah if hanging didn't work then I was..uh..gonna...slit my wrist in my closet" I said with both weirdness and embarrassment.

"What's are those scars on your wrist from?"

"Well.. When you cut it kinda leaves a mark"

My father let out a heavy sigh.

He placed his index finger in my chin and pulled up, forcing me to look at him.

"Hiccup no more cutting" My father said firmly.

I nodded.

That wasn't exactly a promise I was planning on keeping. I don't know for how long I can take without cutting. Like I said in my journal,its an uncontrollable urge and I just can't stop.

"A healer is coming over to check you out. Gothi obviously. Then later today one of her assistance is coming to look at your scars, does that sound good to you?"

"Yeah, I guess"

"Good, I'm going out. I won't be gone fore long. . .This. Bed. Understand"

"Yes, sir" I said sarcastically while raising my arm and putting it on the side of my head. Like a respectful greeting.

"Alright see you in 20 minutes"

"Alright"

He gestured a goodbye greeting and left.

Well nothing to do now. Just lay here. Thinking about Nothing. Doing nothing. Looking at nothing but my ceiling.

Nothing.

Yup, absolutely nothing.

Just me alone in this room.

Staring at the ceiling.

No one to talk to.

Just me alone in this room.

With nothing.

With no one.

Yup,

Alone...

Nothing...

Until the memory came to my mind like a lightning bolt.

Oh. My. Fucking. Gods.

"Oh no. Oh Thor. Oh my Gods. I can't believe I forgot."

I have to get out of here but how?.

000

 **Well, you lik huh huh. Guys a little spoiler for the storie.**

 **For all toothless fans. TOOTHLESS IS IN THE HOO.**

 **Yeah so now that that's over. Please please please review.**

 **I love it when people review. Even if it's just a 'hey'**

 **seriously I love reviews.**

 **Hey. Btw I've been getting slot of questions about this and I just want to awnser them. I'm not depressed and I'm not suicidal. I'm a 19 year old female that has been through depression. I've had it when I was 14 and yes I was anorexic and I did cut (self harm). But with help and good freinds I learned to overcome that depression and move on. I wrote this story for the edgy people out there that just hate there own life. Remember this**

 **"Depression is like a war, you either win it. Or die trying."**

 **Love you all❤️❤️.**


	10. I'm never forgetful

**Hiccups POV**

I got up from my bed and started pacing around my room. I can't believe I forgot, I'm such an idiot. There a million thoughts racing through my head, I can hardly think.

Its been 3 days since it happened. It been 3 days since I shot down the _Night Fury._

I have to get out of here without anyone noticing. There's a small window in my room that I could easily escape from, so there's that option.

I have to make sure I'm not being followed this time. It's very important that no one sees the Night Fury.

I quickly grabbed a pencil and some paper and headed out the window.

While I was getting ready to jump, a memeory flashed into my mind. This is the same window I used to attempt my suicide.

I remembered the feeling I had when I was in this window last time.

I felt free. I felt like I was finally gonna be released from the dark mental prison deep inside my mind. Standing in this very spot brought a lot of memories.

I forcefully broke from my small trance and continued to get out the window. I fell on my back but it didn't hurt.

Quickly on my best stealth mode I gazed upon every inch around me. I slowly made myself inside the forest and attempted to hide myself behind a tree. I really wanted to make sure I wasn't followed. The last time I didn't check, well let's just say I didn't exactly get things done my way.

When I was Triple sure I was not followed, I got on my feet and sprinted to the forest towards the direction the dragon fell in.

I just continued for about 10 minutes until finally I came across a very rough damaged area and then I saw a huge crater leading towards a rock.

I walked along the crater and looked at all the discarded pieces of dead branches and leaves.

I peeked my head and that's when I saw it.

I saw a pitch black shaped that was slowly going up and down. I found it. I found the Night Fury.

Its chest was going up and down so it must still be alive.

I walked towards it. I'm standing in front of the most lethal Dragon there is. I'm standing in front of The legendary Dragon that no one in this world had ever seen. The fastest of them all. The most Deadly. I'm standing in front of The Unholy Offspring of Lighning and Death itself.

I saw the slow rise and fall of its chest. He's been here for 3 days. He's trapped here. He can't get out of the hold, he's not even trying to escape anymore beacause he knows he can't, so he just excepted Death.

That sounds a lot like what I just experienced.

"I know how you feel" I said to him "You feel like there's no way out, so you just gave up on your life, I don't want you to feel what I feel inside beacause trust me, what I feel inside just slowly tears you apart, your mind, body and soul get corrupted with the thought of death always in your mind, I know I'm not happy, but I'm not exactly sad eaither, it's like you have all these new different feelings bottled up, mixed emotions inside and you just feel this emptiness that surrounds you"

This is A Night Fury, the most deadly Dragon in the known world. So why do I feel so bad for him?.

I don't have a knife to cut the ropes, so I go to the crator he made when he landed to find something sharp I could use.

Sticks. Sticks. Sticks. More sticks.

Theres nothing sharp enough in the area that I could use to free him.

But that when I remember I do have something sharp I could use.

A few years ago when I was 13 I managed to steal a couple of knifes and daggers out of Berk. I stashed them into a tree. I can't remember witch one exacly but I know for a fact that it's in Raven Point. The reason I stole those was just in case I uhh needed to cut but I didn't bring a knife with me.

Yeah...Sad right.

Anyway I walked past the Dragon and into the small area of woods.

I remember when I was 13 I secretly stole some daggers from the shop and brought them to the woods.

It was around this area. I walked around until I finally spotted the tree. I looked bigger.

I took out a blade form the bag a came running towards the Dragon. I started cutting the ropes. Each one by one. Until finally the Dragon quickly pounced on top off me using its lightning quick réflexes.

I was so freaked out in this moment. He just continued to stare at me. I was deep lost in its eyes. He looked like he was talking to me, like we were speaking to each other but no words were needed.

He got up and roared into my face. Well im deaf for a few hours.

Well that's one less thing to worry about now I just gotta, survive the next few...years of my life...won't that be fun.

 **000**

 **Guys I'm so sorry for leaving you hanging like that. I hit a HUGE writers block.**

 **Again I feel so bad, but it's ok beacause I'm back with the story, and this I vow (cough) *clears throat* I will upload a new chapter ever Friday from now on, call it FanFiction Friday.**

 **Again thxs. R &R**


	11. HELP

**Ok so guys I know a lot has to be said about this story, but for those really attached to it. NO IM NOT ENDING IT. I will not give up on this story. But you guys plzzzzz help me.**

 **Like I'm literally out of ideas on how this story will progress, plzzzzz submit me your ideas I'll take anything really, I'm that desparate.**

 **This story Is focused on a really deep topic, I mean in this story I have light comedy moment and drama sometimes but I don't want to loose the aspect of this being a depression based story, you don't got to make it to sappy. I'll except anything, even I gotta admit this needs a little bit more cheerfulness and happiness with all the Deep shit that I've written. XD**

 **I have no idea how to continue this, I already have the last chapter written, but the thing is I don't want this to be a story with suck a quick ending, I want it to progress into something more, like I dream of having already 20-30 chapters. I want it to be long so you guys and myself can enjoy every single aspect from this kinda plot line in HTTYD.**

 **I'm not done with this story, nor will I give up on it. That's a promise. I love you all more than I love myself honestly. Lol. So plzzzzz ideas, I would love to do them. Stay lit. DEUCES**


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